So now 2019 is here. I would almost say: Finally! This year have been a tough one for me. I think it has been my loneliest year so far. Being in a place where I did not understand anything. I don’t even know why I have let myself be stomped on by people as I have. Its been hard but I have learned so much at the same time. I have learned that I need to stand up for myself, that I can and will say no. That I am good enough. I have given too much of myself and this year will be all about me. I don’t mean in an egoistic way, but I am not gonna bend over backwards for people that won’t even recognise what I'm are trying to do for them. I would like to think that I am an understanding person with patience that I don't even myself understand. But people have been using that against me. I thought I was helping but I have now realised that I have only hurt myself by doing that. This year and forward I will give my attention and love to the people that deserve it.
I am also gonna take care of my health. Go back to my diet and continue going to the gym. I will try new things, I will do things that make me happy. I will learn new things and focus on my personal growth. I will challenge myself and leave my comfort zone. I am not healed yet from what happen last year. I don’t trust people like I once did. Which is in one way sad, but maybe also good. Maybe I was so naive before and now I only have grown to be careful?
I have also lost my ambition. I tried so hard to keep it up whilst I had so many other things that were constantly keeping me down. I have been in a place I despise and I didn’t really have a place to call home for a whole year. I did not have any personal space and that wears you down. To feel unsafe in the place you are supposed to call "home".
For a whole year, I put my own life aside to go somewhere where I could not even be with the person I gave it all up for. Instead, I was staying somewhere unstable where I never knew what was going to happen next or who was even there. And I just let it be like that. But, should I just blame myself for what others did? I don’t know. I guess that is something I need to think about a long while before I'll understand it.
Anyway… This last months of this year have been very crazy, lots are happening at work and in my personal life at the same time I am trying to heal, but I have also made some very happy and bright memories. I am closer to my sisters that I have ever been. I have a realised that I have very very good friends. And I have moved back to the place I call home. I now walk down the streets of London smiling. This will be a year of hard work and a lot of effort. And I will do it all for me and the people I love and that truly and fully loves me back ❤️
Thank you 2018 for all the lessons you taught me, but I am so happy to see you gone.